People Pleasing
The label people pleasing may be one worn like a badge of honour, a flattering self-description and attribute admired by members of society.However; one can be addicted to the approval of others and looking for self-worth through others, sacrificing their needs in exchange for approval.There are a number of vulnerabilities as a people pleaser, that open you up to manipulation as to successfully keep gaining acceptance one needs to avoid criticism, rejection and abandonment at all costs.
If you fear conflict, confrontation and anger, any form of intimidation, be it a raised voice or show of anger, may coerce you back to seeking approval and compliance. With a need to avoid negative emotions, one’s ability to understand, process and deal with negative emotions becomes diminished. Depression for instance can be seen as anger turned inward with an inability to communicate and confront another person directly in order to reach a resolution. Saying NO may generate levels of guilt and anxiety, as any form of denial or confrontation, may elicit the angry responses you anticipate. As you continue to accommodate and comply to other people needs, the less clear your identity becomes, feeling invisible, unrecognised and able to change the circumstances. People pleasing creates an external locus of control , where a general view that things happen to you ,under the control of others or factors outside of themselves . At Amida therapy we will work with you, to start identifying your needs and increase your emotional awareness of these needs. With the use of tools and techniques ,we can start to develop healthier ways to self soothe and communicate, by setting boundaries around our needs.
The Angry Work Place
In a modern society, with all its deadlines, rules and expectations, we will inevitably come across the angry boss or workmate.Unfortunately we do not have the luxury of picking who we work with, leaving us upon to manipulation and abuse. Does your boss exhibit any of the following traits?
- A grandiose sense of self, their uniqueness, and importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, and brilliance, without any thoughts for others as they attempt to fulfill these dreams
- Exhibitionism requiring constant attention and admiration
- Cool indifference to any forms of criticism, resulting in an uncontrolled rage, shaming or humiliation of others.
- A sense of entitlement, interpersonal exploitation of others and a lack of understanding and empathy.
If your Boss shows any of these signs you may be dealing with a narcissist, who is hypervigilant, paranoid and untrustworthy, treating people as objects to fulfill his needs and supply. We need to keep a careful track and monitor their actions and behaviours, as they may flip on a dime, creating unease, discomfort, and chaos in a working environment. Do you feel intimidated, like you are walking on eggshells constantly changing your behaviour to accommodate or avoid the rage of your boss?. At Amida life coach we can help you to understand the dynamics and emotions of such a person, as we introduce tools and techniques to support you, increasing your awareness around yourself and how to set boundaries
Spiritual Awakening and Illusions
A spiritual awakening reveals many illusions, false beliefs and conditioning regarding our feeling of independence and uniqueness..
we have a multitude of choices , free will and we do things to own fruition. As we begin to look deeper, beyond the realms of the ego, we realise our own existence is dependent on all kinds of things, like the air we breathe, the supply of money and access to water. We are dependent and entwined within a complex system of laws, social constructs and a collective unconsciousness, working beyond our awareness.
Our childhoodexperiences, attachments and ways of relating create a framework for how a person interacts, survives and flourishes in society, as an adult. Thissense of self,defines our values, identity, beliefs and underlying thought processes. We unknowingly surround ourselves with thick walls, keeping us safe, but in a rigid zone of limited thinking, away from our creative source of infinite possibilities. Tomove beyond our comfort zones, we must embrace our courage and face our fears, to learn to cope with feelings of anxiety, disorientation and uncertainty.
These walls and blind spots reduce a person’s independence, creative energy and personal autonomy. We can’t access opportunities we are unwilling to see or believe in, creating a small mental equivalence. We retreat to an ego, an inauthentic self, forcontinued guidance, there to reinforce and protect the original script. With the help of a spiritual teacher, we can burn away a lot of the ego, helping us move into new realms of connection, authenticity and truth. Through the use of meditation, affirmations and prayer, we strengthen our connection to source, opening up new channels for creativity, joy and love. We start to be who we truly are, understand why we are here and start to live a life of fulfilment and meaning.
Stress Management
We’re all faced with stressful situations, whether once in a blue moon or on a daily basis, but it’s knowing how to deal with pressures and maintain a healthy balance.
The five complex belief systems called “Drivers”, create behavioural habits that we all utilise to deal with the challenges or stress in our life. Many of these habits are useful when well moderated, but counterproductive when less well controlled and even the basis for major personality disorders when fear allows them to become too extreme.
Stress is defined as an internal pressure that is generated by external factors that make us feel “under threat”. This creates rapid physiological changes in the reptilian brain known as the amygdala, leading to the primal fight or flight defence mechanism kicking in. We can either fight the stress or withdraw from it until we can return to a more balanced state. The workplace is a major component for stress generation as we are continually asked to reach deadlines, cope with ever increasing workloads, as well as working effectively in teams for maximum output.
New workplace statistics show the average person works five times as much as they did 30 years ago with up to 90% of the population know suffering with insomnia and sleep deprivation as a consequence. We work on average 46 hours a week with continued job insecurity due to technological advancement and access to cheap labour. It is believed 1 in 4 students are now on some form of prescription medication to cope with the stresses at university to realise their personal desires and fulfil parental hopes for them. Poor dysfunctional coping mechanisms like using alcohol, drugs, sex and gambling are on the rise as society and the workplace demand more and more from the individual.
CBT is a very effective method to evaluate the factors creating the stresses by creating a structured treatment plan to cope better with the stresses. The first session assesses the underlying personality type and drivers that are forming the internal and external conflicts
Personality variables would be areas like.
- Achievement striving and approval seeking
- Perfectionism
- Multi-tasking skills and time management
- Lack of recuperation and time for relaxation
- Poor interpersonal skills creating hostility and isolation
- Poor self esteem
These variables can contribute to high arousal and an accumulation of internal pressures if they are not addressed effectively. Within the next few sessions we would identify the negative through patterns and belief creating the underlying faulty thinking and resultant behaviour. Some of the techniques we use are as follows:
Behavioural experiments:
They are used to test thoughts and monitor maladaptive behaviour. They test ideas of perfectionism and inflated responsibility .They examine controllability of thoughts, overestimation of threat and intolerance to uncertainty
Thought records:
Keeping a record, mentally or written down, of concrete pieces of evidence for and against negative thoughts can help a client come up with more balanced perspective to supported healthier thoughts
Pleasant activity scheduling:
The idea is to schedule of daily activity that you enjoy and may not normally do. It can be simple or more complex – from reading a chapter in a novel to making a nice dinner. Another method of this is to schedule an activity a day that gives you a sense of mastery, competence, or accomplishment.
Situation exposure hierarchies:
In this method a client put things they normally avoid on a list, such as distressing situations and experiences which lead to the problem behaviour wanting resolution. Your client rates these on a level of distress scale and how likely the maladaptive behaviour will present itself. You then work through the list from lowest to highest, exposing the client gradually and safely to these situations, increasing their capacity to deal with the distress without using the defensive behaviour as a means for coping.
Mediation and Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the primary acceptance strategy in CBT. It would allow a client to address parts of his emotional experience that cannot be directly changed, like many of the spontaneous sensations, feelings, urges and thoughts that arise within the depression. This would allow Steve to soften the experience, by adjusting the intensity enabling him to sit more easily with fixed emotional patterns as they run their course.
Clients can learn to modify these deeply held beliefs which will lead to a change in behaviour and a hopefully improved well-being. Helping our clients develop better tools and awareness will allow them to highlight the external factors and internal beliefs causing them stress, leading to a reduction in arousal levels, mitigating the intensity of the stress and the chances for relapse. Let us help you and give you the tools to not just survive under stressful situations, but to thrive and create a positive well-being.
We’re not here to judge your level of stress, but we are offering to help teach you to control it. Contact info@amidalifecoach.co.uk today, we’re here to help.
Mental Health – Surviving or Thriving?… Let’s Start Talking About It
Today marked the start of Mental Health Awareness Week (from 8th-14th May).
It is a week that every single one of us should pay more attention to, because 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem over any given year. It’s a shocking statistic, not least because it identifies the fact that mental health problems are far, far more common than we might have previously thought.
In other words, if mental health issues don’t directly affect you, then there is a very strong chance that they will be troubling someone close to you. A loved one. A mum, dad, wife, husband, daughter, son, or friend.
And yet despite this alarming statistic, mental health is still considered taboo. Something which we often find ourselves getting embarrassed or uncomfortable talking about, but mental health is vital conversation we should all be opening up to, now more than ever before.
Work-induced stress, depression, anxiety and bi-polar are just a few of the issues affecting that 1 person in 4 suffering with mental health problems. They can be the most debilitating issues for someone to have to live with, and some people are battling with these afflictions on a daily basis. Often with little or no help…
Studies have shown that 1 in 8 people receive treatment for a mental health problem. That means that there is quite clearly a deficit for people with mental health problems actively receiving treatment. The statistics speak for themselves, but there is also the somewhat neglected sector of society who struggle with mental health problems, and attempt to go about their everyday lives with no help or treatment whatsoever. They try to merely survive as opposed to thrive. And this is where we want to make a difference.
Here at Amida, we want to help change and improve the lives of all people suffering with mental health problems. We wish to identify causes and offer clear and logical solutions to these problems through a variety of methods and techniques, therapy and coaching.
At Amida we are here for you on this journey, every step of the way. All we ask is that you make the initial approach to us, and we will do everything in our power to ensure you start thriving again, not just surviving with mental health problems.
There is a vast amount of support available in the community for people whose mental health is a concern to either themselves or their loved ones. It’s time to take control, and realise that either yourself or your loved one can and will get better.
Email Amida Life Coach on info@amidatherapy.co.uk or call therapist Kevin on 07391 574985 today, and start your journey to thrive.
World Maternal Mental Health Day
Today, 3rd May 2017, the world has come together to raise awareness of World Maternal Mental Health Day.
When starting a family, we’re not given a job specification or an outline of responsibilities to prepare you for this important role ahead. Being a parent can be the most important role you will ever accept. It can also be the greatest and most rewarding journeys of life, however for some parents, this change in life can be overwhelming and can cause unpredictable changes to their mental health.
It’s believed that 2 in 10 women have a mental health problem during pregnancy and in the first year following the birth, and yet over 75% of women do not get diagnosed or receive the adequate treatment and support.
Both the course of pregnancy and being a new mum can have many strains; physically, emotionally and financially – it’s understandable that your mental health is not going be at it’s strongest, but it’s important to share how you are feeling and to know that it’s best to seek support when needed.
As your hormones adjust from being pregnant to after giving birth, it’s very common to experience the ‘baby blues’; a short period of feeling low, irritable, tired, and anxious. The ‘baby blues’ can last for approximately 2 weeks after giving birth, which is different from postnatal depression.
Postnatal depression can happen gradually or all of a sudden. The depression and feeling a sense of low self-esteem can range from being relatively mild to very severe.
The NHS suggests that “postnatal depression can start any time in the first year after giving birth.
Signs that you or someone you know might be depressed include:
- a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
- loss of interest in the world around you and no longer enjoying things that used to give you pleasure
- lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
- trouble sleeping at night and feeling sleepy during the day
- feeling that you’re unable to look after your baby
- problems concentrating and making decisions
- loss of appetite or an increased appetite (comfort eating)
- feeling agitated, irritable or very apathetic (you “can’t be bothered”)
- feelings of guilt, hopelessness and self-blame
- difficulty bonding with your baby with a feeling of indifference and no sense of enjoyment in his or her company
- frightening thoughts – for example, about hurting your baby; these can be scary, but they’re very rarely acted upon
- thinking about suicide and self-harm
These symptoms can affect your day-to-day life and your relationships with your baby, family and friends.
Many women don’t realise they have postnatal depression, because it can develop gradually.”
Of course, fathers and partners can also become depressed after the birth of a baby. You should also seek help if this is affecting you.
Here you can read more from the NHS about treating postnatal depression.
The reassuring news is that postnatal depression is a temporary illness and can be treated with the right support.
If you are a new parent and this is all sounding too familiar, don’t be afraid to speak out. Tell your midwife, health visitor or doctor how you feel. Seek advice and talk to a specialist.
For more information on how to treat Postnatal Depression, don’t suffer in silence – contact us today info@amidalifecoach.co.uk
Enjoy exercise and a healthier wellbeing.
Be active and enjoy the great outdoors.
More than 50,000 people today are running the Virgin London Marathon, grinding the city of London to a halt. Every runner will have their own reasons to take part in this world iconic race, whether they’re competing as a professional runner, fulfilling a life-long ambition or running for charity – each person will have that burning drive to keep going, through the pain and exhaustion, after all, there are few things in life more satisfying than beating a personal goal.
We’re not suggesting that each person reading this post should enter the ballot for next years London Marathon, but by doing an activity to raise your heart rate and increase the number of breaths you take, will certainly give you a spring in your step.
What is wellbeing? The World Health Organisation defines mental health as, “a state of well-being in which every individual realizes his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to her or his community.”
The NHS suggests “Evidence shows that there is a link between being physically active and good mental wellbeing. Being active doesn’t mean you need to spend hours in the gym, if that doesn’t appeal to you. Find physical activities that you enjoy and think about how to fit more of them into your daily life.” It also suggests that “Adults aged 19 and over should do at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity – such as fast walking or cycling – a week.”
The benefits to physical activity are incredible. Not only will you improve your blood pressure, keep your joints, bones and heart healthy, but just as importantly your mental health wellbeing should benefit. It’s important to do something that you will enjoy. To continue an activity, it should never feel like a chore. Whether you enjoy walking, yoga, swimming, or playing a sport as part of a team – it’s an excellent way to let off steam and get those endorphins flowing!
It’s important to note that we all experience negative emotions and have to deal with many of life’s challenges such as grief, loss, or failure. By taking part in physical activity does not give a cure to negative feelings or means being happy all the time, however, whatever your age, being active can help you to lead a mentally and physically healthier life.
So enjoy your day, step out into the sunshine and take advantage of your surroundings.
For more advice and information on mental health wellbeing, contact us at info@amidalifecoach.co.uk
Rules for Being Human
Although there is no set formula to help you be the best you can in life, Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott’s rules for being human convey a universal wisdom that, once understood and embraced, can contribute to meaningful relationships with ourselves and others, at work and at home.
Rule One:
You will receive a body. You may love it or hate it, but it will be yours for the duration of your life on Earth.
Rule Two:
You will be presented with lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called ‘life.’ Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum.
Rule Three:
There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation, a series of trials, errors, and occasional victories. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that work.
Rule Four:
A lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons will be repeated to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned them, you can then go on to the next lesson.
Rule Five:
Learning does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
Rule Six:
‘There’ is no better than ‘here’. When your ‘there’ has become a ‘here,’ you will simply obtain a ‘there’ that will look better to you than your present ‘here’.
Rule Seven:
Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.
Rule Eight:
What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.
Rule Nine:
Your answers lie inside of you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
Rule Ten:
You will forget all of this at birth. You can remember it if you want by unravelling the double helix of inner knowing.
Reference: Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott, from “If Life is a Game, These are the Rules“
Anxiety or Anger… recognising the difference.
Unfortunately, and often the case, anxiety can be mistaken for anger due to the two having similar behaviours and characteristics.
With anxiety you may find yourself becoming withdrawn, easily irritated, and quick to react and snap in aid of stopping whatever might be causing this feeling. From the outside these traits may appear as aggressive and it’s this misunderstanding that creates a defensive response from onlookers.
Of course in order to tell the difference between anxiety and anger, it helps to understand what the terms actually mean. “First, anxiety is defined as “an unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern”. Anger is defined as “a strong feeling of displeasure, hostility or antagonism towards someone or something, usually combined with an urge to harm (physically or verbally)”.
As you can see, just because the outward symptoms may look the same, the motivation behind each is vastly different. Another way to look at it is that anxiety makes a person retreat and anger pushes a person to advance. This motivation provides clues to help you differentiate.” [Source Psych Central, blog post by Gabe Howard]
Rather than immediately confronting a distressed individual in a defensive manner, consider taking a few moments to observe and assess the entire situation before reacting or getting involved. Try to see if they want to get away or if they are trying to start a confrontation. If they are trying to get away, it’s very likely that anxiety is driving their actions.
Anxiety can be unpredictable. It can pounce on you at the most unexpected of times; like when the doorbell goes unannounced, when you’re invited to a social gathering, or perhaps a queue has built up behind you at the checkout.
We’ve all been there – your heart races and you perspire for no apparent reason, you become incoherent or light headed. When caught up in anxiety, one often responds with negative responses to the body and mind. We feel unease, nervous, apprehensive and worried. Our thoughts are full with fear, and our minds are stuck in a negative thought pattern, showering us with questions like “what if”. If this sounds all too familiar, and it happens to you regularly, then perhaps it is time to seek help.
One of the hardest parts of living with anxiety is feeling trapped, like you have no one to turn to and you have to live in a protected bubble to avoid situations you’re not comfortable with. Seeing a councillor may help you to learn how to build the confidence to push forward and decrease your stress levels… it’s often a problem that can get worse if the stress continues to build up.
You may feel ashamed to ask for help, or believe that it’s not ‘that big of a problem’. But by covering up your feelings could worsen the situation. It’s important for yourself to understand what drives your anxiety and how to deal with it.
At Amida Life Coach, we care about you. We want to help you make a connection between your thoughts and the feelings of anxiety, so you can learn to identify and counter negative thoughts to improve your mood and reduce your stress levels.
There are various way to help, however one of the most effective ways is to look at Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which will help you learn coping techniques.
CBT can help you manage your problems by enabling you to recognise how your thoughts affect both your feeling and behaviour.
For more information and advice on anxiety or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, please do get in touch. Contact Amida Life Coach today at info@amidalifecoach.co.uk
Couples Therapy – is it time to talk?
There is no set formula, hard and fast rule, or ‘key’ to a successful relationship.
What works for one couple may be disastrous for another. For example, whilst some partners are blissfully happy living in an alpha-beta relationship, other couples may find that unison and harmony is only achievable through an utterly equal partnership.
Just as we are all unique, so too are our relationships. There is no ‘ideal’ relationship framework. No ‘one size fits-all.’
Is there even such a thing as a ‘perfect’ relationship? We highly doubt it. When Shakespeare observed that “the course of true love never did run smooth”, would he have predicted for a second that his statement would resonate and remain as poignant as ever for 21st century coupling?
Honest love is by no means easy. And sometimes, with the best of intentions and purest of feelings for our partner, we end up fighting. It could start off as the odd bicker now and again over something so small and petty you forget what it was the next day. But before long, the little fights develop into bigger ones, and you start doubting the love you hold for that person.
It’s at that moment, when you might consider couples therapy.
At Amida Life coach we believe that as with a lot of life-dilemmas, but especially those concerning the person you love, identifying that there actually is a problem in the first instance is vital for the sake of both your own and your partner’s well-being.
Perhaps you think of couples therapy as something for other partners in crisis, but not for you. You might feel intimidated, nervous, ashamed, or a combination of all three. But you absolutely shouldn’t, and neither should your partner. Couples therapy is not a taboo subject; on the contrary, it is widely accepted as being an asset to the stability and growth of modern relationships.
More and more studies are proving that counselling from a professional psychotherapist can vastly improve the quality of relationships on the precipice of a breakdown. Not only that but relationship therapy with the right therapist could help rebuild and nurture the bond between a couple, allowing the couple to be honest and frank with one another in a safe and confidential environment.
If you have any questions about couples therapy and would like to talk to us in the comfort of your own home, get in touch today, we’re here to help. Contact Amida at info@amidalifecoach.co.uk for more information and find out how couples therapy can make your relationship strong again.